What Do you See?
Never explain-your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway
Lets begin with a little exercise. Do you have a mirror with you if not can you get one. Who do you see when you look there , Do you see your faults and all the mistakes that you have made . Or do you see someone created in the image and likeness of God . Do you see your past errors, broken and frail when you look at yourself, what do you see.Apart from your features if someone was to open up your brain what will they see. Will they see an individual that knows who she is and is content and at peace with their lives. Or an individual struggling to fit in with the Joneses.
This year, I turned 30 and well I did not want to celebrate. I just wanted to run away and hide, this is something I have become a professional at doing. I just go AWOL and bail out on everyone because the truth is I did not see myself as useful to anyone. I was beginning to see myself as a burden that everyone will have to keep watching over. If I call my dad his first words are whats the problem, How are you , or what are the doctors saying this time. It has been an endless battle I have fought for so many years and the truth was I was tired of fighting and it seems I just surrendered my weapons and lost interest in everything. Some may call this depression or giving up, I do not know what to call it but one thing was certain I was fed up with the medical appointments, relationships and academics. I saw myself as failure and was really scared of becoming successful but been unable to give my best because of my health. I make trips and sometimes they turn out well but getting sick on a three-hour train ride and running for the bathroom over 5 times is scary especially if you did not make it to the bathroom the last time 2 minutes before your last stop. I come with extra warnings, when ever I have to go on any road trip.The truth is I stopped seeing myself as someone who can add value to any relationship because I have had to cancel at the last-minute on so many occasions. I started this blog as a way to explain to people whats happening to me and answer questions they may have.
The problem is acceptance, which is something we’re taught not to do. We’re taught to improve uncomfortable situations, to change things, alleviate unpleasant feelings. But if you accept the reality that you have been given that you are not in a productive creative period you free yourself to begin filling up again.”
Anne Lamott Bird by Bird : Some instructions on writing life
I have no idea why these words had an impact on me because I have never been one to be swooned by words but this year has been different. I have to admit it I love the feeling. If you are not satisfied with the way things are in your life, there’s so much you can do to get out of it. I have decided to make the following changes in my life.
- Start now
- Done is better than perfect
- Have a kinder voice; stop being too hard on yourself , it’s not that serious.
- Forgive others, Forgive yourself and accept that God has forgiven you
- Do not hold unto the past
- Choose to believe the truth and denounce the lies the devil may have told you
- Focus on trying to improve your strengths
- The devil condemns you while the Holy Spirit convicts you
- Cultivate relationships with family and friends. Be intentional about your interaction with people
- Guard your heart with diligence
- Pray, study and cultivate your relationship with God
- Do not give up
- Be consistent
- Do not compare yourself with others
- Believe in yourself
“Almost all good writing begins with terrible first efforts. You need to start somewhere.” Anne Lamott
Since I love games lets play another game. Simply ask your friends to write what they think about you. We played this game in bible study and at a friends baby shower and I must say I was surprised at the responses I got. The images below show what others wrote about me.
When I got my paper back I was emotional. The responses were great and shocking. I have never seen myself as a strong, confident. I assumed I received the wrong paper. I have always seen myself as someone with a large heart but seeing someone else appreciate what you have done for them, is enough to bring anyone to tears. Words that did not surprise me were; Serious, Loving, focused and quiet. I am a mix of an introvert and extrovert and i just discovered that the word for the is an ambivert, and I have accepted who I am. I am more comfortable with me and I make no excuses any more.
I have received many birthday and Christmas cards in my life but this year for some reasons I decided to pay attention to what people wrote and I am glad I did. I will like to share my four favourite notes.
I have no idea why these words had an impact on me because I have never been one to be swooned by words but this year has been different. I have to admit it I love the feeling. The truth is we spend so much time trying to be perfect that we fail to enjoy ourselves. Society has made us always aim for perfection. I read Lara Carsey;s Making things Happen, and I realised that I had held myself to a standard of perfection and I never felt satisfied with my actions. I always felt I needed to do more to please God. I assumed He was a task master that had a long list of demands and laws I must keep. I was trying so hard to become who I was, a child of God. I realised that I am child of God and my actions and inactions will not take Jesus Christ back to the Cross of Calvary because He is risen and is seated at the right hand side of God Hereafter shall the Son of man sit on the right hand of the power of God. Luke 22: 69 . So armed with this information when I take a look in the mirror, I see more than a size 6 woman with TWA( Tennie Winnie Afro), but I see a child of God who will lead people to Christ. I know who I am and whose I am, although things mayn’t be going the way I want, I trust God. He has aways shown up on time. When I needed Him most He sent help my way and this time will not be different.